Jumper: Jump Away! Jump Away!
Is it any wonder to anybody that a movie involving telepaths could feel so…void? No matter how cool the special effects are, at the end of the day, all you have is a bunch of people “jumping” around the world in the blink of an eye. I could make the same allusion to the Knight Rider, which seems to be geared for a comeback: when all the hype comes down to it, you just have a talking car. Whooptie-doo. And don’t get me started with Snakes on a Plane…
Jumper, the new action movie by director Doug Liman, is empty, brainless, and dull. Even at its most break-neck, I felt myself going comatose. The movie starts us off with a guy named David (Hayden Christensen) who can teleport. He tells us his back-story (as though we should care) where his high-school version slips through some ice and teleports into a library (I felt more sorry for that library than I did any of the characters). He is obviously a product of a broken home with a somewhat lousy dad (the great Michael Rooker picking up a paycheck) and the girl of his dreams (who would become Rachel Bilson) whom he ventured on that ice for in the first place. After David realizes that he can teleport, he hitches his wagons, leaves home and goes to New York and robs a bank. Eight years later, he’s got a pissed-off black dude with white hair (Samuel L. Jackson again showing that no blockbuster is beneath him when money is involved) on his case, aiming to do some Jules-esque smiting.
Where can the movie go from here? Why, back home to the girl he left behind, to take her to Rome for reasons so stupid that it’s not even worth repeating. Following David is an Irish lad with bad hair (the great Jamie Bell who can’t seem to get a break), who seems aimed on protecting him for reasons I don’t think he even knows. We get some fights involving the two “Jumpers” laying a smack down on “Paladins” like Jackson before trying to lay a smack down on each other, which is before David tries to smite Jules…I mean Jackson before he goes looking for his mommy. Oh dear, I’ve gone cross-eyed.
People who enjoy movies like this are not really interested in story or tactic. They want something cool to put their eyes on for an hour and so before walking out without any kind of emotional impact. Not that I have anything against movies that are all about roller coasters (Cloverfield genuinely rocked my senses). But I do have a problem with movies that are peddling the same attraction one more time, changing some of the colors to hide the nuts and bolts that clearly show signs of aging. Can nobody see that Doug Liman has put together a compilation of his worst hits? Gone are the promises of Swingers and Go. It’s all about The Bourne movies, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, and the other multi-million dollar solutions of what promised to be a brilliant career. I must wonder if Liman still thinks of himself as an independent filmmaker working the system. Maybe he started off that way, but he’s shown in just one movie how he’s peddled the last parts of his dignity for box office receipts.
Do I think that all lose their souls when they start bankrolling major productions? Not by a long shot. Just look at Paul Greengrass, Steven Spielberg, Alfonso Cuaron, and the great Robert Altman. I still have hope for Doug Liman, though he’s on thinner ice than his stupid character. He still has it in him to make great movies worthy of admiration, but he needs to realize the mistakes he is making in doing movies like Jumper.
You might be asking why am I not talking about the acting, the photography, and even the music. I’m doing them a favor by not saying what I would have to say. This is sad because I loved John Powell’s scores on other films, but this is a testament to the way a film’s vibe can be killed by the lack of depth in the music. It is sad that the acting had to be so bland that I wished for the wild over-acting of the cast of 300. The camera is so jumpy (no pun intended), that it makes the Cloverfield camera seem at peace with the world.
All in all, I guess you can say that I hated this movie. There is literally nothing to recommend about it outside of some need to be in a loud room with Hayden Christensen (which to me is the ninth circle of Hell). But there will always be some nut who will think that this is the best thing on celluloid since Freddy Got Fingered. Those people, like the movie itself, are what I would teleport away from, even if I weren’t Jumper.
Grade: D
Jumper, the new action movie by director Doug Liman, is empty, brainless, and dull. Even at its most break-neck, I felt myself going comatose. The movie starts us off with a guy named David (Hayden Christensen) who can teleport. He tells us his back-story (as though we should care) where his high-school version slips through some ice and teleports into a library (I felt more sorry for that library than I did any of the characters). He is obviously a product of a broken home with a somewhat lousy dad (the great Michael Rooker picking up a paycheck) and the girl of his dreams (who would become Rachel Bilson) whom he ventured on that ice for in the first place. After David realizes that he can teleport, he hitches his wagons, leaves home and goes to New York and robs a bank. Eight years later, he’s got a pissed-off black dude with white hair (Samuel L. Jackson again showing that no blockbuster is beneath him when money is involved) on his case, aiming to do some Jules-esque smiting.
Where can the movie go from here? Why, back home to the girl he left behind, to take her to Rome for reasons so stupid that it’s not even worth repeating. Following David is an Irish lad with bad hair (the great Jamie Bell who can’t seem to get a break), who seems aimed on protecting him for reasons I don’t think he even knows. We get some fights involving the two “Jumpers” laying a smack down on “Paladins” like Jackson before trying to lay a smack down on each other, which is before David tries to smite Jules…I mean Jackson before he goes looking for his mommy. Oh dear, I’ve gone cross-eyed.
People who enjoy movies like this are not really interested in story or tactic. They want something cool to put their eyes on for an hour and so before walking out without any kind of emotional impact. Not that I have anything against movies that are all about roller coasters (Cloverfield genuinely rocked my senses). But I do have a problem with movies that are peddling the same attraction one more time, changing some of the colors to hide the nuts and bolts that clearly show signs of aging. Can nobody see that Doug Liman has put together a compilation of his worst hits? Gone are the promises of Swingers and Go. It’s all about The Bourne movies, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, and the other multi-million dollar solutions of what promised to be a brilliant career. I must wonder if Liman still thinks of himself as an independent filmmaker working the system. Maybe he started off that way, but he’s shown in just one movie how he’s peddled the last parts of his dignity for box office receipts.
Do I think that all lose their souls when they start bankrolling major productions? Not by a long shot. Just look at Paul Greengrass, Steven Spielberg, Alfonso Cuaron, and the great Robert Altman. I still have hope for Doug Liman, though he’s on thinner ice than his stupid character. He still has it in him to make great movies worthy of admiration, but he needs to realize the mistakes he is making in doing movies like Jumper.
You might be asking why am I not talking about the acting, the photography, and even the music. I’m doing them a favor by not saying what I would have to say. This is sad because I loved John Powell’s scores on other films, but this is a testament to the way a film’s vibe can be killed by the lack of depth in the music. It is sad that the acting had to be so bland that I wished for the wild over-acting of the cast of 300. The camera is so jumpy (no pun intended), that it makes the Cloverfield camera seem at peace with the world.
All in all, I guess you can say that I hated this movie. There is literally nothing to recommend about it outside of some need to be in a loud room with Hayden Christensen (which to me is the ninth circle of Hell). But there will always be some nut who will think that this is the best thing on celluloid since Freddy Got Fingered. Those people, like the movie itself, are what I would teleport away from, even if I weren’t Jumper.
Grade: D
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